


It's okay

by Links_Baby_Daddy



Series: Dragon Age one shots [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Friendship, Helpful Cole (Dragon Age), M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 19:03:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9285728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Links_Baby_Daddy/pseuds/Links_Baby_Daddy
Summary: The inquisition was all he could be, love was allowed but not for him, no. He had to be the idea he was, the hope he stood for and the lives he was fighting for. Most of the time falling in love is always something that will catch you by surprise and shake you down. You'll never be able to choose the person you fall in love with, and what's even worse is that you can't decide who they fall for either.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was apparently tipsy when I wrote and uploaded this so excuse this terribly written thing
> 
>  
> 
> I really just love varric and "happy" endings aren't always what will happen to you, ya know.
> 
> Disclaimer: All characters belong to their rightful owners

When Haven burned down, I was distraught once everything calmed down. At the time it was burning I couldn't really think much of it, not until it was but a fragment of my memory. It had been home for a little while, a place for people to help and get help. Merely the beginning of our great story and army. Nothing much to look at really, it was laughable but armies have to start somewhere.

But haven, it was still somewhere people had gone to for shelter and helped. They needed it. I know I did, sure I didn't know anyone when I arrived but I knew that I needed support. So I went to the first approachable guy. Varric, who is my ultimate best friend, even if I wasn't his. I'm sure Hawke has that title.

I spent my time in the small tavern with sera or flirting with Dorian but I was almost always talking to varric about maker knows what and it always kept my mind off the big hole in the sky. Varric always kept a smile on my face and a warm bubble in my belly. Every time I look down at him and see his smile I feel my insides twist in delight. We would spend our time making up stories and creating Comedies to keep our mind off things.

We would avoid old tales, we didn't want to bring up any old pain. 

I remember the smell of Elf root flooding my nose whenever I approached Haven. It was sort of comforting. 

It was very comforting

Until the attack that is. When all that elf root was burning at once it was overwhelming, filling my nose and lungs so I couldn't breathe. Elf root healed people, not make them feel like death was at their door. 

But I suppose it was for me, for us all when corypheus was approaching with complete and utter hostility. This was bigger than anything I could dream up. Me, a little speck of dust compared to what could possibly be a God.

I was afraid. Afraid of corypheus, the red templars, afraid for my life and those of my new comrades. I wanted to make sure varric was safe, that he was alright but I couldn't find him. But I knew he was strong in both will and strength. Besides he had Bianca to keep him his company. I smiled at how he had gotten me into referring to the weapon as a person. But knowing he was safe I kept pushing forward to where I heard the voice of Cullen screaming out orders to his men. I saw him and instantly felt at ease, safer. Probably because he was strong, easy to talk to and a former Templar. A warrior capable of protection. 

When I first saw Cole he seemed like a simple boy that was coming for us for help. Little did I know what a savage he'd be in the future. Still, once I heard him wanting to help it got me confused. He sounded so desperate to help. It would have peeked my curiosity at the time but there was an army if red ahead, so I saved it for later. Cole told us who we were up against I was filled with dread. An army of angry Templar's, no longer themselves. Not as if they truly ever are themselves to begin with. Then there was him. The big man. No, he was no longer a man, only a memory of one and a destroyer.

I didn't want this damned mark or this dumb war. It was all too much for me, everything that was happening around me, I couldn't keep up. I looked over at varric and he gave me a thumbs up and said 'Im guessing this is the punchline' right before we loaded up the trebuchets.

I didn't have time to say goodbye to him when Roderick told us about the underground tunnels. So with every last bit of courage I had I gave Cullen a small smile and said "Wish me luck". He did, with a small smile i knew was forced. We both new the chances of me making it was slim. The chances of seeing varric again were slim. 

And with that, I left

It's not how I wanted to die, with regrets but I realize now I didn't have time to realize I had any. I was thankful for that.

When I finally saw the flare go off on the other side if the mountain, I wanted to give a triumphant smile. But I couldn't, that would give them away. So I kicked the trebuchet launcher and watched as the rocks hit the mountain and broke it. 

It's strange how I could destroy something so ancient and sturdy. Something that you wouldn't think had a weakness. At that moment I had hope, an epiphany. Corypheus was ancient enough and at the moment sturdy. And I can tear him apart. Break him into tiny little pieces. Just as I did with this mountain who throughout time moved to the wrong place at the wrong time.

Like me

So when I saw the snow raging towards me, I felt cold at the bottom of my stomach. My warmth wasn't there. I had the the strongest urge to see varric again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~˙—˙~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember I couldn't breathe, I could hardly stand and blink. Keeping my eyes open was a struggle but I had to reach them. Not that there was much to look at, it was dark where I had been caved in. They didn't mix well and I kept falling, hissing at every time my knees connected with the cold ground. 

I can't remember fighting the two witches or summoning my own rift well, but I remember it enough to know it happened. When I got out of that cave or whatever it was and saw nothing but endless snow, I felt dreadful. What was the point? Should I just go to drop dead in the cold? No, I had to go, I was the only chance the world had at the moment. But at that moment will I wanted was to be warm again, not just on my skin but in my heart and stomach. I felt so weak but I realized

I had to get to varric

So with gritted teeth I kept pulling and pushing, kept walking even though my feet felt numb In the sea of ice. I don't remember how long it was or how much I had walked. It all looked the same, was I even moving? And I thought yes, I had to have been because the next thing I remember was hearing Cassandra thanking the maker. For what? For washing me out of the ice like a fish from the sea? I was so tired, so exhausted and deprived of everything. Warmth and hope. So I let myself fall, I felt Cullen's arms grip me tight and let myself rest. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I woke up It was to yelling and distress. I could feel it in the air. My head was pounding just like the heart in my chest. I couldn't feel relief or much of anything yet. I was still trying to come to terms with myself. I didn't have time to think of anything when Mother Gazelle started talking. All I remember her talking about is faith and hope and I got upset. 

Corypheus is a real physical being that can't be defeated with faith alone

I told her as much when I rose from the bed and slumped over to watch everyone. Cassandra looked angry, edgy and close to bursting into flame. Cullen looked lost more than anything, crossing his arms and biting his gloved fingers. Josephine looked somewhat afraid of everything and Liliana seemed defeated. I couldn't see varric but before I could go looking, Mother Gazelle started singing. 

The Dawn Will Come they sang as Solas pulled me to the side. I understood how he feared for his people being blamed once we saw the orb was elvish. 

If I knew then what I knew now I would have glowered at him, asked him why he was pretending he didn't know what it was. But I didn't know, so I only sympathized and agreed we had to deal with this as soon as we could.

Not long afterwards the dawn came.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~•...•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I first stepped into skyhold I was beyond a loss for words. This kind of building, palace really, was what people thought of when you say inquisition. And that was a terrifying realization. We are the inquisition now. And when they dubbed me the inquisitor, when they held that sword out to me, I had no idea how to feel or what to say. 

But like Cassandra once said, I had no choice. So i took the blade in my hand and looked down unto everyone as I say that corypheus must pay for what he's done.

After everyone got the excitement out of their system and began to settle down, so did my feelings, my fears. So much was on my shoulders and so much more now. I don't know how I was able to handle it then because even now I have trouble. But one thing always sticks.

Fear

I felt afraid. Afraid of being seen as something bigger than I am, afraid of saving the world with a part of me I don't understand. Afraid of losing everyone I'm just getting to know. I finally realized I hadn't seen varric at all really. Him informing us he had called a friend was enough for me to know he was safe but not enough to relax. 

So I went to look for him at the spot he told me to

I smiled brightly when I found him, climbing up all those damn stairs was definitely worth it. Especially when he greeted me with a smile, one I could see held something within them I couldn't define. Some part of me hoped.

For what? 

I didn't know then, I was unaware of myself and simply ecstatic to see him and hear him speak my name. My name was nice coming from him I realized then, something small that brought me great comfort. I wanted to talk to him, ask him how he was and whether or not he was up for a little drink, I wasn't much of a drinker, he knew, but after everything I needed one. Right when I was about to speak out he looked behind me and suddenly got excited, a smile splitting his face as if remembering something he had forgotten. 

When I turned around and saw him, I wasn't sure what to think. The first thing that came to mind was that he was handsome. The smile that followed as our eyes met only added to his beautiful features. I instantly felt myself lean In towards his friendliness, much like varrics.

Varric

I turned to look at him beside me, and realize he's not beside me at all. He's by the mystery man, the beautiful man. I also then realize that the smile from merely seconds ago was because of said man. It still is. 

I felt something uncomfortable churn at the bottom of my stomach, something I had never felt but I certainly knee what it was. Varric smiled around everyone, smiled even more around me which always made pride well up in my chest. That smile had never gotten so big, never reached his eyes, not around anyone. He looked younger, his eyes brighter and his cheeks redder. 

Who the hell did this guy think he was?

Hawke

And then suddenly it all made sense. This was the best friend of the man I adored. The best friend of my best friend. It's not right to feel jealous I know, so I push it down and relish on the fact that I should be thankful for this man. Thankful for everything he had done for varric and for being the reason that smile exists. 

That beautiful smile

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~π~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He only ever got mad at me once in my life

It was also the moment I realized I loved him

I don't really know how it happened or when I realized, not the exact moment anyway.

Cole, precious Cole, he had won a place in Varric's heart as well. Not in the way that would make me feel uncomfortable in my belly like Hawke, no. I could tell he could see the spirit as his son or something of the sort. It was reciprocated, mutual, the feeling of family between those two.

Cole would follow Varric around like a duckling. Swallowing up all of his stories both real and not. His writings and adventures. He also kept asking impossible or embarrassing questions when he couldn't understand something, which was almost always. Cole understood things on a level no one else really could, he was more human than most humans.

But considering he didn't know he could take off his own clothes, there's those who didn't really see it. Not that they tried, they either got spooked by him or he didn't give them the chance to remember him. 

Varric accepted him for who he was but it seemed as if he was trying to make him more human. He was just being a good parent, wanting what's best for his child so he would give a little push to the "right" way, the more human way.

When we had found out what those Templar's did to him Varric was livid, there was no smiles and no trying to comfort Cole. He wanted Cole to kill the guy, make him suffer like he had. It didn't help that Cole was furious as well, remembering the hardship the poor boy went through, knowing the man was still alive. 

Solas was the only one of the three thinking straight, something I'm grateful for. He knew killing the man wouldn't make him happier, wouldn't change anything. It certainly wouldn't do anything good for anyone. But Varric was to blinded to see it, he felt too much for the kid, as if he'd been put through all the pain himself.

When they went to see the man, I knew I had to be there for them. I understood Solas would try to stop Cole from doing anything brash, but I also knew Cole trusted varric much more. Trusted his voice of reason over Solas's so I knew I had to go to keep them from doing anything they would regret. 

When I saw the man, I couldn't help the scowl on my face, the deep frown and I could have sworn I heard a growl. From who? Me or Varric, I still dont know. But I hated that man on front of us, the one with his hands in surrender, his face afraid for his life. God I wanted to hurt him, destroy him in ways that weren't okay for someone like me to think. 

But maker bless my damned soul, when he recognized Cole he looked so sad. So defeated and heartbroken. He knew he had done wrong, he looked like he had aged a millennia the moment he realized who this angry young man before him was. He regretted it. When he spoke I could hear exactly what I could see, but there was more to it. This man had a family, no he didn't deserve it but he still had it. I couldn't let Cole destroy the life of others for what had happened. Yes it would have felt wonderful to kill the bastard right here and then but I couldn't find it in me to let it happen.

Both Solas and Varric we're trying to convince Cole to choose. To kill or forgive and of course it came down to me again, to give him that last and extra push.

"Forgive him"

I said and Solas nosed at me, knowing I was doing the right thing. To him at least. 

I couldn't look at Varric, I could feel his glare. I didn't want to see it, it would hurt.

But Cole forgave, and the man was eternally grateful. Something in Cole changed then, he seemed more monotone, less... Cole. He was still curious and helping people, it's what he did best. It was something only me and Varric could sense, the change. 

But he was happy

He seemed happier, no I couldn't hear it in his voice but he was truly happy. To some extent at least. Cole thanked me for helping him, told me he wanted to keep helping and now that he forgave he could help even more. I hugged him and couldn't help the smile that crawled on my face. When I looked back, I could see Varric walking away with a huff and my heart hurt all over again.

Cole saw him and shook his head, giving me a pat on the back. "He's going to be okay, he wanted me to be more human but it would have taken a life to give one. Go talk to him, you don't have to tell him how you feel but tell him you care. Thank you again again my friend". I had blushed, of course he knew and saw something I was too dense to see. I thanked him in return and instead of going to talk to Varric I went to my room to think about my sudden realization. 

I suppose I had known but there's always so much going on I can't focus on myself, never myself because there is no me. I'm the inquisition and know I probably can't have a personal life so I never dwelled. At the moment it was quiet, at least the world was for everyone else. For me, I was sinking. Sinking on the realization that I'm in love with Varric the dwarf. I chuckled, I never thought I'd meet a dwarf, let alone fall in love with one. But it has happened and I was okay with it.

It all made sense, the feeling of jealousy I got around Hawke or when Varric would speak of him. He was handsome and they had Kore history than anyone Varric knew. Of course I felt silly feeling like a child with a crush, it was silly after all.

It also explains why I love his smile so much, it's one of my favorite things from him really, the first is his smile when talking about Hawke. Why I felt so comfortable around him and wanted to hold him at random times. 

It also explained why this hurt so much. Being the inquisitor came with many angry people that hated you, despised you and those people I couldn't give a damn about. But when it came to Varric my heart felt so sad and heavy. I just want him to smile at me, be happy.

Should I tell him?

I hadn't realized I was wandering about Skyhold at one point. But when I heard Varric call out for me and say he was sorry I couldn't bring myself to care about my worries. We both explained we wanted what was best for the kid. Then he was smiling at me like that. 

For once I got the smile Hawke would get

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~¤~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I killed it

When the time came to decide between sacrificing the Grey Warden or Hawke, I didn't know how to feel.

First we had to fight Erimond and Clarel with the rest of the Grey Wardens. Convincing them wasn't so hard with Blackwall there thankfully. The mention of Erimond and Corypheus was enough to change Clarel's mind on the small insignificant bastard. 

Near death, she enacted one last attack to destroy herself and the dragon. The force of her spell had shattered the walkway we were all standing on and caused it to plummet. Thats when we are "saved". When I accidentally opened a rift and we all fell through.

It was quite the journey waking up with the whole world upside-down. Then again it was the rift, how I did it? I'll never know really. I remember Cole being frightened, afraid he'll be controlled due to being a spirit. Dorian was fascinated but of course on edge. I did my best to sooth them both, mainly Cole.

So much happened in the fade, so much I don't know where to start. Being guided through the fade by the Divine was strange and not unwelcome, I was pleased to learn the mark on my hand wasn't from the Maker. It somehow made me feel less pressured, I was never much of a believer. The path ahead was still a long one, a dangerous one and a tiring one.

Once we reached the nightmare blocking the fade, the divines spirit sacrificed herself to subdue the large spider like creature. We had to fight it, weaken it as much as we could and it was hard. My mind was, as usual, still processing all the new information and trying to fight a giant spider was just the cherry on top. Finally, after so long it was weak, weak enough for us to get through. 

The Grey Warden wanted to stay behind, distract the nightmare long enough for us to get through to the other side but Hawke, he was ready to give us his life as well. They couldn't decide and one of the most hardest decisions of my life was right before me. Of course they left it up to me, who goes and who stays

Who to kill

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~¥~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I killed Hawke

He had good points, the Grey Wardens would need a leader now and only a Grey Warden could lead them. Hawke was still young I know but he had already saved a world, a place and it's people. He was the hero of Kirkwall after all. I chose him. So when I said as much, he looked grateful and smiled. When he told me to say bye to Varric for him my chest tightened and I don't know if the sob that came out of me was in my head or not. I was tagged by Dorian to run, to go because this was our only chance. I remember seeing him fighting the creature alone for us all. For Varric

When I returned to Skyhold there was so much to do, so much to take care of. I knew I should have gone to varric first, tell him of what I had done 

What I had to do

But I was the inquisition, I had no time for personal affairs. I had a world to save and people to talk to, reassure and enlighten about the fade. So I did just that. 

I was distraught I wasn't the one who told him of his best friends sacrifice. I'm actually not sure how he found out, probably Cole. I had hoped so at least. When I approached him he told me of the debt Hawkes grandfather had but before he could pay them off he died. How men came to his home to either kill or collect. How Hawke invited them inside for something to drink and spoke with them. How they shed laughter instead of blood. How they left with empty-handed goodbyes and never came back.

How he was just that kind of guy

He cried and I held him. I didn't have to lean down to hug him, I just wrapped my arms around him as he let his head lay on my chest for a little while. My heart was hurting for him and for Hawke. My head hurt and my muscles were sore. There was so much shit going on for me, too much information to take in. But could only think of him. I only wanted to make him happy and be there for him because at that moment my problems seemed so insignificant to his. I felt warm when I held him, happy to be the only one to hold him like this. Disgusted with myself to have such a selfish thought in such a sad moment. 

But he was going to be okay, I knew it. He was Varric after all. His smile didn't reach his eyes this time and it didn't for a while.

How I missed that smile

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~β~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was gifted with a new smile

Cassandra had surprised me when she said that she was a huge die hard fan of Barricade writings. I was even more surprised when she favored his smutty work. I couldn't help but grin and laugh at the new information and how frustrated she got when she expressed her distaste for the cliffhanger he has left the book on. Of course she hadn't read one book from the series and asked for me to get her one from varric. She wanted me not to tell him it was for her and of course I promised I wouldn't

I did

Maker be blessed when I saw that smile on his face appear when I told him Cassandra was a fan. He gave me the book to give to her of course but wanted to take it himself. Me, thinking it would have been funny agreed to it much to Cassandra's dismay. When he approached her with a smug grin she replied with a scowl and I couldn't help but smile amused at it all. What adorable children they must have been.

She certainly didn't enjoy him being there but couldn't deny her own curiosity to his story. He gave her the book and she gladly took it, and once she got past her distaste for the dwarf and got more into her sense of wonder they finally seemed to have gotten along. Varric even promised to perhaps tell her spoilers for the next book and she couldn't believe her own luck when he did. 

They spent more time together mainly about the story really, what might happen next and "Varric you little shit don't destroy my dreams". I'd join those conversations every now and again but realized it was more their thing eventually and would go with Cole or Dorian to hang out.

They got closer through time. Of course and Cassandra would smile more, a lot more which scared most but made my heart warm up. She deserved happiness to the tee. Varric would smile more too and it would make me smile more in return, we found ourselves laughing when closing rifts and it seemed crazy but we were just happier.

One day Varric came to me and simply said "There you are, I was afraid we'd start without you" and even though I had no idea what he was talking about I simply replied with "We couldn't have that could we" and he took me to the small inquisition tavern where we played wicked grace. I was so glad to see everyone there, especially Cassandra, Cullen and Cole. We spent the evening throwing coins and stories around. Josephine had many tells and had no problem winning all of our money which Cullen of course took as a challenge. Big mistake on his part.

Especially when he went running to his quarters butt naked

I couldn't stop laughing as I watched him run, I tried not to look but Dorian wasn't the only one who wanted to see his walk if shame. I jumped when I saw Sara crawl out from under the table, when the hell had she gotten down there?

Varric had approached me saying something along the lines of "This was different right? It shows you're not just the inquisition. That you're not just an idea, that you're a person just like them". I was confused at first but ultimately understood what he had meant. I was just an idea to people, to the army and always working. It was nice to finally relax for just a few minutes. I wanted to spend more time with him, show him more what he was trying to prove with all of this. But then he saw Cassandra waiting for him and went to her. I looked on and saw her smile down at him and in return he smiled at her

That was when I saw it. The smile I had been hoping for, waiting for and dreaming for.

The smile different from the one he gave Hawke. The one of a loving friend and life long platonic partner. The one held for a life long friend and someone he had been through hell with. Someone who knew his secrets and lies in the blink of an eye. The one he reserved for his one and only best friend.

The smile different from the one he gave Cole. The one he adores as a son and someone he has to protect. The one he will destroy for and raise all havoc for. The one he will never ever turn his back on. The smile reserved for his son. 

 

The smile different from the one he gives me. The smile reserved for the inquisitor, his leader and friend. Someone who intimidated him but also soothed him. The smile he gave to the person who made him laugh and loosen a little bit. The person who leads an army and has much on his mind. The person he decided to befriend probably because he wanted to make sure I wasn't too alone or pressured. The smile reserved for his comrade and inquisitor.

 

No, this was the smile of fondness. The smile one gives to the moon, thanking it for lighting the dark sky. The smile of someone who will go through hell and back for the other. the smile of someone infatuated. The smile reserved for his love Cassandra.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, soft and careful

"You're in pain and agony in a way you've never been before. It hurts to see him smile at her like that, the way you wished he would smile at you. But even now you can't be angry, can't feel your heart hate because you love him

And true love means wishing the other person happiness even if it's not with you

And you're okay with it

Because you truly love him. You're a great leader, a wonderful person and an even better friend"

I turn to look at Cole, knowing full well my eyes are slightly watery, and smile. He looks at me and smiles back, something warm and inviting. I can't help but pull him in for a hug, something I'm sure he hasn't gotten but that doesn't stop him from knowing what to do. He wraps his arms around me and simply let's me steal his warmth. I realize I'm okay with it all. Being his second best friend, being his leader and companion. Being the one who will give him everything for nothing in return because that is true love. 

I pull back and look to them and feel my heart melt at both of their smiles. The ones they deserve. Cassandra throwing her head back in laughter and Varric smiling along, obviously full if pride at making her laugh. I look on, feeling Coles arm around my shoulder for support and squeeze his in return as I smile warmly at the sight. Coles voice tings out into my ears saying a soft and soothing 

"It's okay"


End file.
